A 7-step process to Learning Forgiveness

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies” – Nelson Mandela

Being able to forgive someone after they’ve committed an offense toward you isn’t an automatic response. Typically, you’ll be caught in the moment, allowing your emotions to influence – even to dictate – your response. Feelings of shock, anger or disappointment will override any rational, logical or compassionate inclination to calmly address the offender, let alone immediately forgive them. 

So, how does one recover from an offense? When are you justified in withholding forgiveness? Is there really such a thing as forgiving the unforgivable? 

John and Yuri Cruzat – the founders of Learning Forgiveness – drew inspiration from their own personal experiences, developing a practical guide to achieving daily peace. Their seven-step method – B.R.E.A.T.H.E – allows you to detach from your past hurts and gain knowledge of the long-term implications of what they call ‘unforgiveness’.

Let’s explore the seven steps of B.R.E.A.T.H.E

Begin in the spirit

This means starting off on the right foot; there’s no point beginning this process if you’re still boiling over with rage. 

John says: “Take some time to disconnect from whatever it is that’s creating the pain, whether you were betrayed, whether you were traumatized, whether you were hurt. Whatever it was, you stop and you take time for yourself… disconnect from the actual event… then position yourself for what comes next.

“It consists of some breathing exercises and some affirmations that you tell yourself to get your mind out of the funk it’s in because of what happened.”

So first, center yourself, meditate, connect to your higher power or your inner calm.

You’re then looking to create two ‘go-to’ affirmations – tools you can use to center yourself now, but that you can also draw on at other times to bring you back to a calm and controlled state. They’re there to give you strength when you’re being pushed to your limit. 

“I act with dignity and grace.” 

“I choose to give myself peace.” 

Or Yuri’s favorite: “I am victorious and emotionally stable.”

Then S.T.O.P.

Surrender the circumstances 

It’s happened. You can’t change it. This process is about moving forward.

Tell someone

Journal the events, tell a trusted advisor, tell your higher power. What’s happened is real and emotional and you need to speak your truth.

Offer a mantra

Tell yourself that, regardless of what’s happening, you’re going to choose a good thought today. Choose gratitude, choose peace. Fight for your peace of mind.

Prepare for the next hit(It will inevitably come.)

Resist making it bigger

Yuri says: “How many times have you found yourself in an argument with someone and it starts with one thing, and before you know it, it’s grown into something else. 

“First it was ‘You didn’t take the trash out’ and then it automatically elevates into ‘But you know you don’t love me’.

“This is because you’ve been stacking the hurt. That thing triggered something that was familiar, and that familiarity breeds the same response you had in the past. 

“You really do have to say: ‘Is this thing as big as I think it is? Or am I making it bigger?’”

Resist making it even bigger than it is. And even if it’s major trauma, don’t allow yourself to be consumed by the hurt. “You still have emotional and spiritual power over it,” explains Yuri.

Evaluate emotions

“There comes a time during this process when you have to look inward,” John says. “You have to identify and really come to terms with how you’re feeling.”

Find a quiet place to do this, so you don’t have to worry about your public face, and then, says John: “You have to literally ask yourself ‘How am I feeling?’ Then do the analysis. Be honest with yourself, because it’s in that moment that you can then take some steps to change how you’re feeling. Don’t press it down and pretend to be fine.”

Start to recognize what your triggers are, too, as we all have them. Yuri says: “One of my triggers was when my kids didn’t show me any appreciation. And I was like: ‘Are you kidding me? Do you know what I’ve been through?’”

Agree to stabilize

“At some point, you have to decide to stabilize,” Yuri continues. “You can’t allow yourself to continue to go in the swirl. Swirl after swirl after swirl. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. 

“Aren’t you tired? I have to think to myself: ‘Aren’t I tired of being upset about somebody else upsetting me?’ 

“I choose me over that. I choose peace over that. I’m not going to let that person in my life at this moment. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, but at some point I’ve got to pull myself out of that situation and agree to stabilize myself.”

Tip: Stop replaying the video of the hurt 

A key point of step four, say John and Yuri, is to stop talking about what happened. 

“Stop telling everybody, stop replaying it to everybody, stop getting everyone’s opinions on it,” Yuri says. “How many times have you talked to a girlfriend and every time you do, it’s about something that’s gone wrong and it’s the same story? People don’t want to hear that anymore. They want your positive energy. They want to be able to stabilize with you.”

She adds: “It’s not that talking about it is bad, but what’s the nature of the conversation? Is it forward thinking? Is it around healing? Is it developmental? Or are you just venting or gossiping or getting justification to validate your emotion and feeling of the anger? 

“People love to swirl in the swirl. You need to be with friends who know how to bring you up out of that.”

Temper responses

This is defined by John and Yuri as choosing language and vocabulary that help you achieve peace.

Instead of reacting immediately – and most likely with unbridled emotion – pause. Yuri explains: “You may not have the words to respond to someone right now. What you can always say is: ‘I really don’t have words for this right now, so I need to take some time.’

“Sometimes you just need to be quiet. When you really don’t know what to say, sometimes silence is golden.” 

But as John acknowledges, this particular rule is so hard as to be “almost impossible!” He adds: “If you mess it up, guess what, you’ve got to forgive yourself.”

Indeed, the idea of B.R.E.A.T.H.E is that, even if you don’t get it right every time, you still have something to come back to. Just like fitness and nutrition, you keep dropping those pennies in the bank every day, get back to the process if you slip up, and you’ll slowly get where you want to go.

Just don’t give up, because as Yuri says, shrugging your shoulders and saying ‘I’m just going to be in my feelings’… “It’s a messy place to be,” she says.

Tip: If you want to give them a piece of your mind, keep that peace for yourself.

Yuri shares a tip from her early days of using this process. “I used to think ‘I should be able to say what I want’. I had to say: ‘That person expects me to respond that way, and you know what? I’m not going to give them the satisfaction.’ 

“This isn’t always the right way to do this, but if you need a first step on how to act differently, especially for the repeat offender – someone who’s always getting at you, and you feel you need to give them a piece of your mind – keep that peace for yourself. 

“They don’t deserve a piece of anything of you. Do something different and see what happens. I tell you, not responding to someone who knows how to get to your triggers is freeing.”

Healing

When you do this enough – when you go through this process enough – you will enjoy some healing, repair, rejuvenation.

As with anything, practice makes perfect. Every time you succeed at stepping back from the immediate feelings, centering yourself, letting go of the resentment, and choosing yourself you will feel more confident and more at peace. You will find your relationships and your self-worth improve.

Enter peace

The final step is to enjoy the feeling of peace you have earned by working through this process. Another attack will no doubt come, another offense – but in the meantime, enter and enjoy your sense of peace. 

Then, as and when a new offense does come, you can regroup and employ the B.R.E.A.T.H.E practice as needed.