Get Your Needs Met With the DEARMAN Technique
Communication is at the heart of how we connect with others every day. If you feel like your communication style could use an overhaul, then the DEARMAN technique is a practical and step by step guide to level up your communication game! It's like a superpower from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a scientifically backed clinical tool. DBT gives us the tools to better express our needs, set boundaries, and handle conflicts like a pro. DEARMAN is an acronym that outlines seven essential steps to communicate assertively and effectively.
Assertiveness is an ATTITUDE:
That of defending your rights, without hurting those of others.
Why You Should Try This Right Away
DEARMAN is a powerful technique. Game changing even. And, better yet…it’s easy! First and foremost, by following a structured approach, DEARMAN ensures that your message is clear and easy to understand, reducing the chances of misunderstandings. But also, DEARMAN empowers you to express your needs and assert yourself in a respectful manner. This fosters self-confidence and self-advocacy. By using DEARMAN, you can navigate difficult conversations and conflicts more effectively, leading to improved relationships, and enhanced interpersonal effectiveness. As a bonus, due to a focus on staying mindful during the process, you learn to better regulate your emotions and can avoid reacting impulsively.
Step by step “how to” Guide for DEARMAN:
Each letter represents a key aspect of the technique to improve interpersonal effectiveness.
Describe: Begin by objectively describing the situation or problem at hand. Stick to the facts and avoid judgments or interpretations.
Express: Express your feelings and emotions about the situation. Use "I" statements to convey your emotions without blaming others.
Assert: Clearly state what you want or need from the other person. Be specific and direct, avoiding vague requests.
Reinforce: Reinforce the benefits or positive outcomes of meeting your request. Show the other person how fulfilling your needs can be beneficial for both parties.
Mindful: Stay mindful and focused during the conversation. Avoid getting sidetracked or letting emotions take over
Appear confident: Maintain eye contact, use a steady tone of voice, and display confident body language while communicating your needs.
Negotiate: Be open to finding an ideal outcome that works for both parties by perhaps meeting somewhere in the middle.
Putting It into Practice
Now that we understand the components of DEARMAN, let's see how it works in a real-life scenario: You have been assigned additional responsibilities at work, and the workload is becoming overwhelming. You want to discuss this with your manager and request some assistance.
Describe: "Over the past week, I've taken on several new tasks and projects, in addition to my usual workload."
Express: "I feel quite overwhelmed and concerned that I might not be able to handle all these tasks effectively."
Assert: "I am requesting some additional support or resources to help manage the increased workload."
Reinforce: "By providing some assistance, I believe we can ensure the quality of our work and meet deadlines more efficiently."
Mindful: Stay focused on the main issue at hand and avoid getting sidetracked.
Appear confident: Maintain eye contact and use a composed tone of voice to convey your request with confidence.
Negotiate: “Considering the workload on the team, I understand that additional resources might not be immediately available. Could we explore the possibility of adjusting deadlines or redistributing tasks among the team to lighten the load? I'm open to finding a solution that benefits both the team's needs and my own ability to manage the workload effectively.”
The DEARMAN technique is a valuable tool in improving communication and interpersonal effectiveness. By mastering this skill, you can express yourself assertively, set boundaries, and resolve conflicts in a more constructive manner. Practice DEARMAN regularly, and watch how it transforms your relationships and empowers you to navigate challenging conversations with ease. Remember, effective communication is a key ingredient in building healthy and fulfilling connections with others.
Want help with applying it to a specific situation?
Pop into our compassionate community where therapists and others like you help one another with just this type of problem. Post your situation and ask with help using DEARMAN to better communicate. Others will chime in. We team up, because we learn together! It’s free.
Or, want to meet with me 1:1? I’ve got sessions available, and LOVE helping people apply these skills. Book a session with me HERE.
