4 Questions to ask yourself when you’re struggling with forgiveness
Forgiveness can be hard. For all the teachings and lessons found in religious and secular contexts on why we should forgive those that wrong us, it doesn’t make it any easier. So if you’re grappling with forgiveness, whether for something that happened recently or something that happened long ago, here are some questions you can consider that can help you move through it skillfully and at your own pace.
What does forgiveness actually mean to you?
Does it mean that you have to condone what the other person did? Does it mean that you devalue and minimize the hurt you felt? Does it mean forcing yourself to maintain a relationship with someone who you don’t want to? I would argue that forgiveness is none of these.
Getting clear with yourself on what forgiveness is and what it isn’t is imperative to actually engaging with your own process of forgiveness authentically. Consider if and how forgiving another person is actually for you – it can be choosing happiness and joy over righteous anger. It can be freeing up energy that was being consumed by ill will and resentments. It can be about moving on, living in the present, and looking towards the future. Take the time to sit with this question and grapple with what forgiveness actually is.
Why do you want to forgive someone? Or do you even want to?
There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to forgive someone else for wronging you. Sometimes we can skip over this fact when we are faced with our own anger and resentment. No one is making you do it. You have to choose – and want – to do it yourself. Does that mean you can’t feel ambivalent about it? Of course not. But as you read above, forgiveness is about grappling with your personal reality and experience of feeling resentment, anger, and holding grudges against others. You have 100% permission and license to hold onto those things. And doing so has its own cost. Making sure that you are clear with how you’re feeling and why you might want to forgive is essential.
Do you have a timeline?
Forgiveness doesn’t always happen as fast as we want it to. It would be nice to decide we want to let go of our resentment and the very next day have it be gone, like we were throwing out the trash. Sometimes we’re not able to, though. If you find yourself frustrated that you can’t forgive someone as quickly as you want, take a look inside and see what’s holding you back. Have you not acknowledged, to yourself, the depth of hurt that exists there? Do you have some ulterior motives, in that you want to hurry up and forgive so you can get back to some more enjoyable and less fraught dynamic with someone?
Am I giving myself a choice?
Related to the timeline question, this one focuses on your agency. Sometimes we feel like we have to forgive someone because we feel the need to be “good” or we want to be seen as a forgiving person. But if we don’t give ourselves the choice, we can struggle to actually forgive. It becomes something that we mime, we end up just going through the motions. Remember, you don’t have to forgive anyone. It’s a choice you make (or don’t). Once you own your agency in this arena, you will be able to move more genuinely, honestly, and authentically through your forgiveness journey.
If you need help moving forward with forgiveness,
Next week: A 7-step process to Learning Forgiveness
