Reparenting 101: How to give your inner child the love you never received

Reparenting is the act of taking care of the needs of your younger self that were not met as a child, through simple acts of self-care, loving discipline, emotional regulation, and joy. The process can be life-changing, and a lot of fun. Here are all the basics you need to know to get started on a path of self-healing.

You might need reparenting if:

• You have a habit of self-betrayal, or not keeping my word to myself

• You have dysfunctional relationship dynamics

• You have low self-worth

• You hold a chronic fear of criticism

• You have issues setting and holding boundaries

• You have a lack of understanding of my own needs, wants, desires and passions

What is childhood trauma?

Childhood trauma can be misunderstood. While it certainly includes the serious traumas that come to mind when we think about this term, it can also be small, subtle acts that you may not even think were significant.

• A parent denying your reality

• Not being seen or heard

• Having a parent who vicariously lives through their child

• Being told (directly or indirectly) you can't or shouldn't experience certain emotions

• Having a parent who overcompensates for what they felt was missing in their childhood

• Having a parent who's focused on appearance

• Having a parent who cannot regulate emotions

Let’s not blame our parents

Having to reparent does not mean you had 'bad' parents. It means that your parents did not learn certain skills. We repeat what we know from people who repeated what they knew. As adults, it becomes our responsibility to teach ourselves the tools, meet our own needs & raise ourselves in the ways that were not met as children.

Before you begin to practice reparenting do three things.

1- Identify your unmet needs

- Was I seen?

- Was I heard?

- Was I considered?

2- Look at your suppressed feelings

- Do you feel shame? 

- Anger?

- Resentment?

3- Tap into childlike wonder

- Remember what it feels like to be a child, before these feelings started. 

- Recall and try to experience joy, spontaneity, playfulness.

The four pillars of reparenting

Practice these daily. Remember, our healing occurs with consistent practice of these tools.

1- Self Care

• Go to bed a bit earlier.

• Meditatie for 5 minutes (longer).

• Cook/eat a home cooked meal.

• Spend time in and connecting to nature.

• Allow the sun to touch our skin.

• Connect with someone you love.

2- Emotional Regulation

• Practice deep belly breathing.

• Observe how different emotions feel in our body.

• Notice what causes us to be triggered.

• Allow emotional responses without judgement.

3- Loving Discipline

• Develop daily rituals/routine.

• Keep small promises to ourselves.

• Say no to things that do not serve us.

• Hold boundaries even when we are uncomfortable.

• Disconnect and spend time in self-reflection.

• Clearly state our needs in objective (non-judgemental) language.

4- Joy

• Dancing or singing freely.

• Doing something we absolutely loved as a child.

• Connecting with someone we love.

• Finding a new hobby or interest.

• Listening to your favorite music.

• Doing something unplanned.

5- Practice!

• Validate your own reality & feelings by observing rather than judging ourselves for how we feel.

• Keep small promises to yourself every day, then speak kindly to yourself when you keep them. (I drank a pint of water!)

• Place your hands on your heart and say to yourself "I am safe" when you feel scared, frustrated or unsure.

• Say no when you do not want to do something.